"You're only as old as you feel". I call bullshit. That was my first thought as I rolled out of bed today, looked at my alarm clock and realized that this, my one day off, was sleeping in. At what point did 8 a.m. become sleeping in? I remember days when 8 a.m. was strolling in the front door to go to the bed not getting out of it. At what point did having a day off make me feel all warm and fuzzy, NOT because I don't have to go into work but because I can do my weekly day off deep clean of the house, dye my white trash roots AND try out a new labor intensive recipe to feed my family for dinner. WHAT.THE.FUCK.

Then I began pondering what else has changed and tried to pinpoint the historic timeline in which I went from young and carefree to old. This past weekend was a busy one. I had 3 parties to attend and a friend's house to paint. I woke up monday morning with my everything hurting, tired, wishing I could sleep in (until 8 a.m.) and thinking I needed a day off to recover from the weekend AND clean my house. College days of yor, we partied every night, well into the morning and an hour of sleep was a solid. Cleaning the house consisted of throwing beer cans and fast food wrappers in the trash and was not a chore I was super stoked about endeavoring upon.

At what point did Spanx become a mandatory buy? At what point did I get more excited about purchasing it's all encompassing fascade of making my ass defy gravity than buying some lacy, see through slutty lingerie from Victoria's Not So Secret? At what point did my ass STOP defying gravity? And what the crap is this cellulite bullshit?! I HAVE A BMI OF 23. 23. I am more physically fit and slimmer than I was in college (nay highschool for that matter) and I get not only an ass that does not defy gravity but I also get cellulite? Really? And speaking of bodies, at what point did pooping become the highlight and greatest relief of the day? Why does the world seem so much brighter after a cup of hot green tea and the morning constitutional?

I actually found myself grocery shopping the other day and watching a group of loud assed, vapid, IQ of a brick (sorry to insult you, brick) community college skank bots in their Juicy shorts (you know, the ones where their ass cheeks peek through the boottom) and knee high uggs and thinking "Damn kids, what is the world coming to? If this is the future, we are SCREWED" The look of horror on my face was not related to the circa Jersey Shore trainwreck before me but that the statement actually ran through my head and was genuine. Then THE SAME DAY I caught myself making statements to my children such as "SHUT THE DOOR! I AM NOT PAYING GOOD MONEY TO HEAT THE OUTSIDE!" "WERE YOU BORN IN A BARN? NO!" "ACT YOUR AGE, NOT YOUR SHOE SIZE!" "LET'S PLAY 'QUIET GAME'!" Someone, please shoot me now.

There are some things that have not changed. While I now find myself buying "skin firming" moisturizer and eye cream, I also still have to buy acne cack. Now, seriously, what is that? I don't get to keep my gravity defying ass, I don't get to keep my youthful energy but I DO get to keep zits and pothole pores? Fuck you, mother nature.

So, you're as old as you feel? Ok then. I'm 21 with an epic hangover. The end.