Got Nurse?

True Confessions

I believe I found what I hate about being a nurse. All of the education one recieves is based in the worst case scenarios in what happens when your body completely fucks up. Nursing school creates hypochondriacs, I kid you not. After microbiology, once you spy someone in the grocery store wearing artificial nails you automatically start thinking of that person as supergluing small petre dishes on the end of their fingers; if they brush your hand as you each grab for the same can of hominy, you have to mask the fact that you feel as though you just shook hands with someone who is breeding biological warfare agent on their person, or for the more graphic picture, someone who just made the pretty blue water mud brown and didn't wash their hands after the fact. Thoughts of clostridium deficile, methicillan resisistant staphylococcus aureus, e. coli, and streptococcus doing mambo together across your brain.

More importantly though, every ache, pain, cough, sneeze, pinched nerve, edema become something horrible and terminal. Take for instance today. For the last two weeks my back has been killing me. I have a numb spot on my back that also tingles and or stings, my fingertips are numb as are my toes on my left foot. I've been whining that I need to see a chiropractor or go to the doctor and get some muscle relaxants because I'm sure I pinched a nerve. Then today, it happened. Women, go with me on this for a moment; you know when you're in your third trimester of pregnancy and your baby stretches and you can feel the pushing and automatically you try to push your child's hand foot or whatever back whereit needs to be? Yeah, I had that sensation today; shut up, no I'm not pregnant.

So, I push on that area of my belly above my navel, and I feel a pulsing, my abdomen in that area is tender. I began feeling light headed and my pulse was pounding and I sat down. Then it hit me. Back pain, numbness, pulsing abdomen with tenderness above the navel....OH MY GOD I HAVE A AAA, I AM GOING TO DIE! I so need to quit smoking. Ok, that;s dramatic, but still, the thought may or may not have crossed my mind.

For a long time I suffered from migraines. Then one day one of my pupils blew. I have pictures somewhere, but that is niether here nor there. My right pupil was dilated while my left was holding strong at about one to two millimeters. My head pounding, my pupils unequal...OH MY GOD I'VE HAD A STROKE! Dammit, they warned me that smoking while on birth control could do that, but I didn't listen. I really need to quit smoking. I actually went to the ER that time.

So, in order to not be a hypochondriac, many nurses ignore the signs of something serious when it is right in front of them. I know of at least 3 who experienced chest pain that is indicative of a heart attack, NOT gas, NOT indegestion, a freakin full on myocardial infarct. So, what do they do? Pop a tums, try to ignore it and move on until they find themselves flat on their backs getting a heart cath done, or with their chests cracked open for bypass surgery. Not very often will you find a nurse in the ER with a sick kid, not very often will pediatricians see a nurse's child unless they are turning purple or in an obvious siezure unless it's for a well child visit or vaccinations. Why? Because we laugh and snicker and roll our eyes at the people who freakout over every little sniffle, sneeze, slight fever, or gas related chest pain.

My rambling point in all this? Don't go to nursing school. Ignorance really is bliss. Maybe I'll gork out from a abdminal aortic aneurysm, but you won't catch my ass in the doctor's office to find out. Nope. I'll follow many a respectable nurse before me right to my grave for y'all to bring a portable blender and mix some ritas over my cold dead corpse. Which reminds me that I need to pay the premium on my life insurance policy. Good day.