I am a firm believer in expanding one's vocabulary in a life long persuit of further education. Recently, I learned a new word that will likely never be in a spelling bee. It sounds a rather innocuous word, so simply latin sounding, much like a medical diagnosis or something heard in Sunday morning mass. Once one learns the power behind said word, one will never purge it from their brains and will shudder at the mental image.
SANTORUM: As defined by Urban Dictionary, santorum is "the sometimes frothy, usually slimy, amalgam of lubricant, stray fecal matter, and ejaculate that leaks out of the receiving partner's anus after a session of anal intercourse. Named, by popular demand and usage, after legislator Rick Santorum because of his homophobic political statements."
Could you please use that in a sentence? Why, yes, yes I can! "That move was about as slick as santorum!" or, "Wow! that Tub Girl is a santorum queen!"
This leads me to conclude that with a word specifically used for said physiological occurance, this country is filled with a bunch of ass fuckers. If you knew this word, you are likely an ass fucker; and I, so naively thinking I was worldly, had to look it up because I am not an ass fucker. But now that I know the word, people will think I am; thanks a lot, ass fuckers.
My poor traumatized midwestern mind cannot wrap itself around the sexual depravity so common place. *swooning like Scarlet for dramatic prose* I was once told by a very good friend to not knock it til I tried it because a million Gay men cannot be wrong.
Ok, seriously, lets take a look at this.. Even as adventurous as I am, I was blessed by the graces of two x chromosomes to have a hole specifically made for both entry and exit. I rather enjoy a hemorrhoid free ass and the ability to control my bowel movements. The act of anal intercourse between two gay men is more enjoyable because number one, they only have one dedicated hole down there and two, it stimulates the prostate. WOMEN DO NOT HAVE PROSTATES. If you're trying to find her g-spot in her ass, you're in the wrong fucking hole dumbass. Go take biology over again.
I blame the sex industry and the importance placed on male performance. Viagra, penis pumps, the energizer bunny phenomenon; even in the birth control section, guys need a little help; you have the "ribbed for her pleasure" condoms. Perhaps ass fucking is a way of taking that back; go for the ass and the inevitable hemmhoroids create speed bumps that's an instant ribbed for HIS pleasure. Voila. There's even a product out to perpetuate this most unbilblical phenomenon called 'anal ease' which is essentially oragel. What is this world coming to?! Ladies, if you're constipated, go eat some fiber, preferably sprinkling some moral fiber atop, pop a laxative or use a good ol fashioned enema; do you suppose maybe your man is latently gay and that's why he'd rather have the ass as opposed to the vajajay conveniently located about an inch in front of that?
All of you ass fuckers may keep your santorum, your hemorrhoids, your anal fissures and fistuals and rectal prolapses, may you find utopia in your Greek Love. I, I will keep my continence. For shame, Assfuckers, for shame; I shake my head. You make me a sad panda. This country is going to hell in a handbasket, and it all started with assfuckers; I will pray for all of your souls.
The moral to this story: Use the power of the ass, just let it remain an untapped resource. Remember people: it's an asshole, not a keg.
*these blogs are written strictly for comedic purposes and should be taken with a grain of salt. If you are offended by this blog, you're probably a closet ass fucker and should join Ass Fuckers Anonymous*
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