That title got your attention, didn't it?! This is a moving blog about Slut Slappers, butt plugs and anal beads; a story about revenge and bringing people together.
A few weeks ago my friend and I were sitting at her house playing with a newly purchased sound prop for her at home business. The prop was a leather paddle with the word SLUT written transversely so that when it makes contact with skin, it will leave the slut mark on it but more importantly makes a loud "WHACK ACK!" We affectionately named the device The Slut Slapper. As I was slapping it against the couch and giving an evil "Bwahhaaahaaaa!" a most devious thought crossed my mind: what if I put this in my husband's brief case for him to find while at class that night? I laughed and mentioned the idea to my friend who said, "We should stick some anal beads in too!"
"Nah, I just want to him to turn a little red, not completely humiliate him; he wouldn't know what they were and would hold them up in front of God and everyone, who of course, would know what they were."
"Ok, just bring the slut slapper back; and call me and tell me what happens."
So, I leave with the Slut Slapper with keen enthusiasm. Deftly as I arrived home, I snuck the slut slapper in his brief case as he prepared for class. I continued loading the dishwasher and swapping out laundry trying to hide my devious grin. He announced he was leaving and I waived him off with "Have a good class! See you when you get home!" As he walked out the door, I cracked up laughing and called my friend to let her know the eagle was in the nest.
Since I had about 3 hours to kill, I cleaned up the house a bit, checked email, took a shower and did girly stuff. Right around the time he should've been home, I realized he hadn't called me during his break and still wasn't home yet. I figured either he never found it or was out plotting his revenge. I had known he wouldn't be angry; he's a good sport. But, I also knew I was setting myself up for retaliation and was geared up for it. About an hour after he was generally home, he walked in the door with a shit eating grin on his face.
"So, is that yours?"
"Nah, I borrowed it. Bwaahaaahaaaa!"
Then he tells me of the events that transpired. He was digging around in his bag and lifted out what he thought was a false bottom to his brief case; he pulled it out of the bag and was examining it when he saw the red emblazoned cut out with TULS and realized what it was. Right as the realization hit him of what he was holding; it hit his classmates as well. Not realizing the evil he married, he assumed it was my grandfather's slapper since the briefcase was originally his. He hurriedly tried to explain, "No! This is not mine! This isn't really my bag! See?! SEE?!" as he showed the name tag on the case that had my grandfather's name and address. One girl said, "Dude, it's ok; whatever you're into man."
Utterly confused, he decides to go grab a bite to eat and run over to his friend's house and show him the slut slapper. Said friend has a room mate and apparently the three of them decided to test out the slut slapper Jackass style. As my husband is relating this to me, he lifts up his shirt to show me the red rectangle on his abdomen; unfortunately SLUT does not show up when you hit someone really really hard with it. I tell him, "Well, we thought about putting anal beads in there, but decided that might be over the top." Laughing, he says, "Yes, thank you for not putting anal beads in my bag; now I have to think of something good." So, I called my friend and relayed the story, but my husband took the phone and relayed it from his perspective and I could hear my friend cackling on the other end.
Later on that evening, we were sitting out in the garage when my husband pulls out a clutch alignment tool that looks like it could double as a butt plug and says, "Here, give this to your buddy." Dutifully, I take it to my friend the next day and return her slapper. She laughs and says, "Oh, I have something to give back to him; hold on." She disappeared into her room and came back out holding gigantic anal beads. Now, call me prude, but I have never seen these in real life before; only in catalogs. These things are HUGE! People's assholes pucker at the thought of a colonoscopy, but these are full on ass wideners. They are about as large as golf balls. I tell my friend, "Ok, if I die in a car wreck on the way home, my good reputation is going to be tarnished forever, and I'll be too dead to explain the joke." She just laughed.
So, I went home and walked into the bedroom where my husband was playing on the computer; I said, I have a present for you from my buddy and tossed the anal beads at him. He pretty much had the same reaction I did; it's been about a week and is still trying to top this. This morning, I am telling my dad this story; and I ask him, "Have you ever seen anal beads?!" My dad says, "Uh, no." So, I ran and got them. That is the whole point to the story; I've led my father to the path of enlightenment o' anal beads. TOP THAT! Bwahhaaahaaahaaa.
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