Obviously I should never have conceived, birthed or been the mother of a boy period. Why? Because I'm raisin' him up to be the GAY. That's right, gay, sissy boy, hell, I am just raising him to be a girl apparently. The poor kid is pretty; he will grow up to be a pretty boy, so I figure, hell, why not?
Case in point: the poor child just recently got a hair cut. That beautiful mop of baby fine blonde hair with curls at the ends reached down past his shoulders and tendrils framed his face, around his gigantic blue eyes. That is eloquent bullshit to say his was covering his eyes and he looked like a girl. Everywhere we went all we heard was, "OH! What a beautiful little girl!" Yes, a beautiful little girl wearing boy clothes. I just smiled and said, "Thank you; I think HE'S adorable also." Mostly because I love the look of pure idiocy on their faces and the wheels turning in their tiny little brains (the hamster on the wheel in their skulls suddenly speeding up) rationalizing, "Well if she'd cut his hair and make him LOOK like a boy, I would've known! Damn her for making me feel stupid!" No one can make you feel any way, but congratulations at taking the first step towards owning your dysfunction. The coup de gras of this scenario: the McDonald's Play Place incident.
I had taken my kidlets to burn off some energy at the Play Place. My son, who loves to play with other kids, was chasing around the one other kid in the joint that was his age. The parents of the other child were quite amused at watching them play; I assumed he was probably an only child who perhaps didn't get too much interaction with other toddlers. I was corrected when I heard dad holler, "Hey boy! I think that little girl has a crush on yew!" They were amused that their boy was such a toddler stud. The dad turned red when I said, "I think that BOY wants to play with your son's truck."
"That's a BOY?!"
"Yes, that's my SON, but thanks for sayin' he's pretty." That's me; finding a compliment in anything. Just then the retort I never thought I'd ever hear come out of a grown man's mouth and nearly caused me to pee my pants from laughing so hard, "Well lady, you need to get that boy a haircut; you raisin' him up to be the gay or something?" Oh, brother if you only knew!
The haircut didn't help; well, now people know he's a boy, but it's not changing the shoe fetish factor. The boy loves to wear other people's shoes. Specifically MY shoes; heels, clogs, flip flops, whatever. If he can jam his chubby little feet into them, they are going on. He even has a thing for hiding one shoe; you'd think I'd just taken away his ability to breathe when I try to take a shoe away from him. If he cannot find my shoes, than he's in his sister's which royally pisses her off. I think it's cute, so I don't correct him. He loves to shoe shop; the last couple of shopping trips we've made, he's picked out his own. My boy might just be growin up to be the gay, but damn does he have taste!
There is some hope though; he does like girls. For instance, he LOVES Barbie. He even puts her shoes on without putting the shoes in his mouth first. He is more than happy to put her in his plastic shopping cart and push her around the house, brush her hair and generally just keeping her company. Again, this irritates his older sister as they are HER Barbies, but she will play with him. He likes the Pussy Cat Dolls as well; although maybe that's because they look like life sized Bratz dolls or maybe it's because he's critiquing their wardrobe, but whatever.
Often he will wake up early in the morning and keep me company while I get ready for work. He brushes his hair, digs into my make up and will occasionally power his nose. He yammers at me if I walk out the door and forget to put my lipstick on in what I am pretty sure is Russian. He is very adamant; if I put on a shade different from my usual Whore Red, he will very firmly say, "NO NO!," and continue to cuss me out in some unintelligible language. When I put on the correct shade, he says, "YES! Pretty mommy." Aww. This evening, he very delicately took one of my earings out and dangled it off his ear and said, "I pretty" That's right boy! He may grow up to be the gay, but he will always be dressed spectacularly, color coordinated and know how to accessorize. That's mah boy!
*the boy has since had a haircut*
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