It's that time of year again. The signs of impending midwestern summer are evident: orange cones, construction, tornado parties, boats on trailers and young girls running around dressed like day shift strippers. It's the time of year for back yard grilling, weekend parties and pub crawling. The newly 18 are hitting Old Town and their parents pray they don't see their daughters on a late night infomercial earning beads...minus the beads. As an aside, Mardi Gras beads belong at Mardi Gras, which last I checked, was not a year round event. So you! Yes, YOU orange skankbot wearing "clothes" 3 sizes too small in the 2 door Saturn, take that shit off your rear view. I'm assuming your horrendous driving is directly related to that shit reflecting off your ginormous bitch glasses and blinding you. Drunk+acting like a whore does not = beads. I'm all about Public Service Announcements. I digress. So, I've put together a list of things to help with summer break and attire because I'm super helpful like that.
1.)You may be celebrating graduating high school on mommy and daddy's dime but no matter how many Joe Francis payrolled camera crews are around you, no matter how much you regret your drunken escapades, you cannot time travel back to that time when you were 6 to make your daddy love you.
2.) Ladies: order beer at the bar. The bottled kind. The bar tender pops the top right in front of you and that little hole at the top is much easier to keep covered with a thumb to avoid a roofie martini. Unless you have no realistic expectation of getting laid and liquor goggles are your only hope...in which case rock on with your rum laden self. But remember, condoms are more useful than just making balloon animals.
3.)You may be 18 but that doesn't mean you are a size 2. please stop subjecting the rest of the population into staring at your ass cleavage. We can see just how much you frequent McDonalds. Our stares do not mean what you think it means. Your ass dimples are merely a real life personification of the Jerry Springer show; we stare but we can't help it. What is appropriate at Wal Mart is not appropriate in the rest of civilization.
4.) Orange is not flattering. On anyone. And especially not on your skin. Unless you have green hair, white sunglasses, striped socks and work at a chocolate factory.
6.) It is warm out, the sun is shining. Raids can wait until night time. Put down the game controller. I'm concerned about your potential for Ricketts. Soak up some vitamin D, I promise you will not glitter in the sunlight.
7.) Nipple pasties DO NOT COUNT AS CLOTHING. And if I see 'juicy' written across anything, I am assuming that meat is USDA approved to throw on my grill.
8.)Baby ducks need good role models but ever since they hit the interwebs thanks to the aflac duck, they are all posing for pictures trying to look like a teen whorebot. Be ecologically friendly, be a role model for the poor impressionable ducks.
9.)One would think Axe body spray would double as mosquito repellent. Alas, it does not. So there is no need to take a bath in it. Definintely don't stand next to a grill while wearing that either; inevitably it will give a whole new meaning to 'Great Balls On Fire'. Yes, I am aware it's of but on is much more appropriate in this context.
10.) Stretching out your ears to the point you can fit D batteries in there, ICP tats, facial tats, general excessive hardware in your face....let me help you, sweetie. Put all the money you would spend into a college fund and I will make you a tshirt in big glittery poofy paint that says "I HATE MY DAD". It sends the same message, is much cheaper and I am a puff paint MASTER. Can I have those D batteries, by the way? I have something much more useful to put them in.
11.)We get it, you don't give a FUCK about anything. But, hey, lazy ass. You can put some pants and real shoes on. They are called 'house shoes' because you wear them IN YOUR HOUSE.
12.)You were born in the 90s, have a grand total of 1.5 life experiences but you have the entire world figured out. Please, enlighten me. I wish I were so all powerful and all knowing. *sigh*
13.) If you ever feel badly about yourself, just go to Wal Mart. Either you will walk out feeling thin and pretty, or you will have a sense of community. Either way, it's a win.
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