Things I've Learned

1.) Never try to reason with an unreasonable person; it only succeeds in making the usually reasonable person unreasonable.

2.)Never quote the princess bride around people who have absolutely no sense of humor/have never seen the movie.

3.)Never wonder why your son continually takes off his diaper and shakes his hips from side to side and giggles maniacly; even though he is your baby, he is a man, albeit a short one, who's obviously discovered the best toy ever. In my experience with men, this is something that never changes and why medication is made so when the best toy ever breaks, it remains reusable.The fascination begins in infancy, get used to it.

4.)Never try to explain the difference between nude art and pornography to a man. a nekkid lady is a nekkid lady.

5.)Don't analyze the drama that is the prepubescent girl. It's one of life's mysteries that will never be solved.

6.) If you really want to piss off family members who think you either a.)are, or b.) being a bitch, tell them you are a product of your environment they carefully helped to craft.

7.)Sometimes it's fun to wonder through walmart talking to yourself.

8.) Never shave your legs if you intend to try to get some action. Freshly shaved, smoothe legs pretty much garauntees one of the following scenarios: the children will be up, the husband will have a headache/be too tired, your husband will say/do something stupid and not realize it and even with freshly shaved legs you will no longer be in the mood, the house will catch on fire, or a minor emergency will occur that will end in one or both partners being out too late and just wanting to sleep. On the rare occasion that the planets align so that it is possible to have smooth legs and get some action, I'm pretty sure it's a sign of the apocolypse. It's in the bible somewhere between the locusts and the 4 horseman; seriously, look it up.

9.) Poo Paint, peeing in the corner, making ginormous messes in under 30 seconds, making the older sister shriek, fascination with the toilet, trying to scale every verticle surface, taking apart child safety devices, and can make you forgive all transgressions because they are so damn cute: welcome to mothering boys.

10.)Beads, paper, songs, drama, shoes, shoes, shoes, badly coordinated clothes, shrieking at the sight of the 1yo with a hairbrush, "but moooooooooooooom," can give you the look of an angel that will melt your heart and make daddy a pile of girly goo: welcome to mothering girls.

11.)Don't go hunting with Vice President Dick Cheney

12.)Ensuring your bedroom blinds and windows are closed goes a long way in keeping your elderyly neighbors from being traumatized during a nooner.

13.)When the toddler is tantruming, a tennis ball will solve it.

14.) Baby Einstien keeps children and husbands alike hypnotized and gives you about 30 minutes of peace.

15.)No matter how much you try to avoid becoming your mother, it is an impossible feat; you will become her in some way, shape or form. As annoying as this prospect is, it's inevitable. If you are in complete denial of this fact, do yourself a favor and don't bend down to pick something up and look behind you; you'll be startled to see your mothers ass in the wall mirror.

16.)When your 8 yo asks you where babies come from, never underestimate the power of the statement,"go ask your father".

17.) To really annoy the soccer moms/room moms, either a.) wear pajamas or yoga pants to drop off/pick up your kids. do not do your hair, definately do not wear make up and wear flip flops whenever possible. OR b.) drop off/pick up your child in heels, daisy dukes, midriff shirt, belly button ring, cleavage (both ass and boob) hanging out, smack your gum and make sure to wear a lot of makeup and have mall hair. overwhelming perfume is a bonus.

18.) Perfect the "blank" look. It's the look that conveys no emotion and when people try to talk to you they get flustered and quickly leave you the hell alone.

19.)In your house, you will be the only one capable of putting laundry in the hamper. Everyone else will only get it in the vicinity thereof. Don't be suprised to find underwear on the bathroom countertop. The same can be said for dishes.

20.) If you are trying to put 10 pounds of mud in a 5 pound sack, BLACK IS NOT SLIMMING, no matter how much you try to convince yourself it is. People who are honest size 16s should not shop in the junior's department. People who venture out in public with the inevitable camel toe should really get their vision checked, clean their mirrors and actually look at their reflection before they leave the house.

21.)Tatooing the name of someone not a blood relative is relationship suicide. Yay for me for never making this mistake. If you want someone to dump you in 6 months or less, tatoo their name on your ass.

22,)Sleep is over rated.