Lying Is Bad...Mmmmkay?

God Hates Liars, You Big Fat Liar Heads

I bet you opened this blog thinking this blog yet another of my rantings about bastardized theological practices. In a way, you were right but not entirely. Actually it's a parental blog about the utter hypocracy adult society has become as far as parenting. We tell our children not to hit, yet in turn we spank them. We tell our children to do unto others, yet inevitably they always hear us talking smack on the phone and repeat it like parrots (to which we tell them it's not nice to gossip even though that's exactly what young ears just busted us doing). We tell them to be honest, yet we lie to them. If there is a hell we are all going there.

My daughter lost another tooth the other night; she can now stick her tongue through the gap that once housed her two front teeth. Being the doting mother I am, I frequently ask her to say "Sasquatches sure like strawberry soda with a straw so they can sip the super sugary sweetness." It comes out "Thathqauthes thur like thrawberry thoda with a thraw tho he can thip the thuper thugary thweetneth". I figure for my thretchmarths I can cash in on some entertainment. I contemplated putting her long blonde hair up in pigtails with curls and sending her off to school a la Thindy Brady, but even I am not that evil. Or am I? Bwaahaaahaaa. Getting back to my point, the myth of the tooth fairy is rampant at my house, so excitedly she placed her tooth in the plastic baggy we've designated "the tooth bag" and shoved said tooth filled bag under her pillow for the winged tooth stealing bitch.

Where did this "tooth fairy" come from? Looking back historically, the tooth fairy origination seems to date back to Pre-Christian Europe wherein it was widely believed houses of brownies or fairies would offer a valuable trade for items humans deemed useless. These teeth were believed to ward off witches and demons but if these discarded useless items fell into the hands of an enemy, they could open the gate to sympathetic magic wherein the tooth shedder could have curses and spells placed upon them. The tooth fairy came to publication in a French fairy tale where a mouse comes to the aid of a good Queen to conquer an evil king by hiding under his pillow and knocking out his teeth. How that would defeat a king I have no idea unless the queen's idea of the king being evil was biting during foreplay or bogarting all the corn on the cob, but I digress. The common rationale for keeping this myth alive and lying to our children stems in the belief that it will teach them to believe in the unseen or seen as harmless play or tradition. Much like Santa Clause and the Easter Bunny, children are doomed to discover what big fat liar heads their parents are and carry with them the scars of betrayal for eternity. I lie to my children, so I will be seeing the rest of you in the fiery pits of hell. I'll bring the tequila.

As I was saying before I veered off on my history lesson (yes, occasionally my blogs are educational.) my toothless girl child excitedly placed the tooth bag under her pillow and went to bed around eight o'clock p.m. The husband and I left our children in the charge of my sister and snuck out for a date (which, like an asshole, I fell asleep during because I was still recovering from that @$##% Miami trip), came home and went to bed. Around two o'clock in the morning, we hear dramatic sobbing in the next room. My husband stumbled out of bed and went to go find out what the problem was. "SHE FORGOT ME! SHE DIDN'T BRING ME ANYTHING!" Reassuring our daughter the tooth fairy just had not come yet and to go back to sleep, my husband, now wide awake, came back into the bedroom and said, "Hey, do you have any cash?" The answer to the cash question: a resonant, eloquent, "Uh, no." Hurriedly the husband throws clothes on to go on a covert operation to cover for the tooth fairy. He returns with recon; on the internet he has found a website of tooth fairy, "I was running late but I swear the quarter is in the mail" letters that you can pay for which get sent to whatever email address you give them for just such an occurrence. Who knew the tooth fairy was so high tech?! After you read this, you are going to search for said get out of jail free lie to your children card website, aren't you? Well, I am not going to assist you in lying to your children, you big fat liar heads.

So, in the morning before waking her up, I figure I will slide coins under her pillow in a slight of hand fashion. Foiled; she's already awake and pissed that it's morning and still no tooth fairy. So, thinking fast, I say, did you REALLY look? In her drama, I was able to slide the coins under her pillow.
"Yes I really did, and it's not thhheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeere!"
"But, did you lift up the pillow? Like, lift the WHOLE pillow up?"
"Huh?"
"Maybe you need to go look again."
"But I ALREADY DID!" as she yanks the pillow up to prove to me she REALLY REALLY looked. Glinting in the sunlight is her cash; her much whined for, high drama earned cash. Surprised she says, "She left my tooth too! And my money!"
"Must be interest for your mental distress," I say.
"What's interest?"
"That's a conversation for another day, get dressed and let's go show off your gap! Do me a favor and say, "Sasquatches sure like strawberry soda with a straw so they can sip the super sugary sweetness."
"Thathqauthes thur like thrawberry thoda with a thraw tho he can thip the thuper thugary thweetneth".

Bwaaahaaaahaaaa.