When I was a kid, the smurfs were my favorite cartoon. My grandmother even made me a smurfs quilt which is now snuggled up in my son's bed. I was watching the smurfs on the cartoon network the other day and was shocked at how incredibly lame and annoying the Smurfs truly are and the psychology of which is deeply disturbing for a child's cartoon.
They are little blue dudes who live in little shroom houses. They're all happy and smurfy, picking their little smurfberries until Gargamel or Azrael show up and they all run around smurfreaking out. Gargamel wants to capture the smurfs and hold them in bird cages...why? Gargamel is a smurfedophile who wants to use the smurfs as certain hollywood actors use hamsters and then sell them on the black market into the Smurf Sex Trade; how the hell else does he plan to turn the Smurfs into gold? Azrael is nothing more than a predatory voyeur as far as I can tell.
The smurfs however victimized by Gargamel are not so innocent either. They are a cult; Papa Smurf is the Jim Jones of Smurftown using the hallucinogenic smurfberries as a form of mind control. How many smurfs are there? Quite a few; however, only one is female: Smurfette. Ever notice how none of the other smurfs, who are male, never try to get up on Smurfette, THE ONLY FEMALE OF THE COLONY? Papa Smurf's been slippin those boys the anti-viagra.
Let us take a close look at Smurfette; she is a classic example of the subserviant stereotypical woman. Her features are more delicate than the other smurfs; she has long and flowing blonde hair, nice legs, batting eyelashes and wears heels with the same tiny white dress. When in the presence of danger, she runs in high heels, requires rescueing and when dealing with problems she's either silent or as dramatic as a woman from the 1800s overcome with the vapors; pop a smurf klonopin already. She alone is responsible for caring for the young smurfs who are ornery; one nearly expects Smurfette to drape a forearm over her eyes and declare, "Whatevah shall I do?" in Scarlette O'Hara fashion.
Here's what you do Smurfette, the fix it solution for many a put upon-don't-want-to-be-here -but-the-penis-of-the -house-says-I-have-to housewife in the days of yore...get that prescription bottle out of the cabinet, dump a few in your hand, then go to the cupboard, pull out a glass tumbler, fill it with ice, go to ol' Papa Smurf's liquor cabinet and pour in the best scotch or bourbon you can find, throw back the pills and chug your drink. In 10 minutes you'll love the whole damn world. Smurfette obviously did not see the Ya Ya Sisterhood, but I digress.
Then there is that whole pesky not having a job, title, or anything useful to give to the community other than being the Smurf commune whore. The only ideation in Smurfette's name is that she's a girl. She is always within close proximity of Papa Smurf; during a Smurf meeting, she stands silent and stoic next to Papa Smurf while he addresses the rest of the Smurf population. There are other male characters equally obsessed with appearances and seem to be the token gay Smurfs. Arty Smurf and Vanity Smurf who also contribute nothing to the Smurf community.
Let us take a look closer at the Smurf community as a whole; each Smurf is individualized only by their occupation or personality stereotype; Handy Smurf was the handy man and achitect, Farmer smurf was obviously a farmer, Brainy Smurf was the tortured genious nerd of the group, Miner Smurf was a miner, etcetera. There is a seperate cast of Smurfs who are named much like the Seven Dwarfs: Sneezy, Grouchy, Lazy; you get the picture. One could argue that the Smurfs live in a veritable Socialist utopia but I say nay nay. In a Socialist society, the dictator, in this case Papa Smurf, has no religion. Papa Smurf quite clearly practices alchemy and in wiccan/pagan fashion of the middle ages pays tribute to Mother Nature and Father Time. Papa Smurf is the Supreme Smurfy ruler, however a true Socialist Dictator, as history has proved with men like Stalin, would work his subjects to the bone, would stockpile the smurfberries his subject worked so diligently to harvest nor would he be as compassionate toward his subjects as Papa Smurf is. Where did anyone who whined at Stalin wind up? Not at the town campfire, I garauntee that; they suddenly "disappeared".
A Smurf seeking absolute power under the 'easiest way possible' doctrine would, however, make Smurfberry Kool-Aide spiked with various hallucinagenics (which I'm sure were scraped from the innards of their shroom homes within the Smurf village) so that the other Smurfs could "see" of Mother Nature and Father Time and be more susceptible to hypnotic suggestion in their narcotic induced state of delusion. Subjects of a true Socialist society would be practically impoverished, resentful of the dictator, a small faction plotting a revolt. The Smurfs practically worship Papa Smurf as a demigod. In a socialist society would Smurfette get to wear fuck me pumps? No.
Thus, I present to you, the Smurfs are not about Socialism, they are a blue hazed, Papa Smurf brainwashed, smurfberry popping, shroom swallowing, Mother Nature/Father Time worshipping, commune livin' religious zealots. Now, if you choked a smurf, what color would he turn? That is the real question we should be asking here.
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